How to Disagree: Thanksgiving
A few tips for navigating the holiday.
TD community,
As you wake up this morning to prep the turkey and steel yourself for your second cousin’s razor-sharp election analysis, we wanted to share a few tips for navigating perhaps the most fraught holiday season in recent memory.
Here’s our best advice for how to disagree this Thanksgiving holiday.
1: Be Intentional in Your Conversations
You do not have to engage. We repeat. You do not have to engage.
There are many reasons for having spirited disagreements: to learn from alternative perspectives, to develop empathy across lines of difference, to advocate, to persuade, to heal and deepen relationships. When the right conditions are in place (see below) they can even be fun and intrinsically rewarding!
But first ask yourself: Is it worth it? What are your personal goals for engaging? How do you perceive the risks and benefits?
If you decide to opt out (no shame), have a firm but playful line to use when your nephew starts litigating the culture war.
“I love you so much, but I’m going to punt on the political convos this holiday season.”
“Too soon!”
“I would love to engage in a productive disagreement on [insert “congressional bathrooms,” or “the state of the Democratic Party”] but now isn’t a great time for me. Let’s get a Zoom on the books.”
2: Choose the Conditions Wisely
If you’ve made the decision to engage, the greatest tool you have to ensure the health of the conversation is the environment in which you have it. If at all possible, avoid large group settings like the literal or figurative Thanksgiving table.
Without norm setting, things can devolve into the traditional holiday doom loop of in-group/out-group signaling.
Instead, try to have a 1:1 conversation in private:
Get Off Campus. Leave the house. Get a cup of coffee. Changing the environment can often radically lighten the mood.
Get Outside. Fresh air and nature are inherently de-escalating.
Go For A Walk: Light, brisk exercise releases endorphins, which really help when navigating stressful situations.
3: Cultivate Curiosity
When having a productive disagreement, curiosity is the master value.
If you’re curious…
You’re going to actively listen.
You’re going to be open-minded and receptive to new perspectives.
You’ll bring a warm, light energy.
Your disagreement partner will feel seen and heard.
Most importantly, you’ll lay the foundation for having a spirited and fruitful exchange of ideas.
So when your brother’s girlfriend recites Bill Maher’s most recent monologue, and the fight-or-flight impulse seizes you like a vise, try wiggling your way out and instead asking yourself: What can I learn from this conversation?
If you can summon a genuine interest in her perspective, then you are well positioned to have a generative and fertile disagreement.
Good luck out there, folks. We believe in you!
xoxo,
Alex and The TD team
P.S. If you have any particular productive (or unproductive) disagreements, hit reply to this email and let us know. We are working on a “How to Disagree” series for the new year and we’d love to help you address thorny challenges and celebrate victories.