Today’s disagreement is about parenting and punishment. And I’m sitting in as one of the disagreement partners.
We touched on the role ofpunishment in our Gentle Parenting episode a few months back, but we felt that the topic warranted a much deeper dive.
Today’s episode is partly me being coached by our guest, Destini Ann Davis, and partly a disagreement about the role that punishment should play in exercising authority as a parent.
The Guest
My disagreement partner is one of the most thoughtful parenting experts on the internet.
While we agree on a lot, you'll hear some substantive differences in our styles, tactics, and core philosophies.
It’s a nuanced conversation that explores the space between the more extreme poles in the punishment discourse.
To be clear, I’m not a parenting expert. But I was a mostly competent 6th grade teacher and built an edtech company focused on sharing teacher best practices. I’ve been thinking about the psychology of children and how to build cultures of discipline for the past 20 years. I’m also in the weeds right now with a 5-year old and a 7-year old.
Listen to the episode where you get your podcasts, or watch:
Notes
Of the 47+ things that new parents need to align on –– everything from Sleep Training to Circumcision –– early childhood discipline is perhaps one of the highest stakes and most difficult conversations.
A quick “parenting content” doom scroll suggests three archetypal discipline styles: Authoritarian Parenting (“Because I said so”), Permissive Parenting (In the words of TI: “You Can Have Whatever You Like”), and Authoritative Parenting (the Goldilocks of the discipline approaches).
I think the “Authoritative Parenting” discourse has two major problems.
Every guru lays claim to it, from the gentlest to the most proudly authoritarian-adjacent, rendering the term practically meaningless.
There are very few evidence-based guides on how to achieve this blissful state.
And the broader discipline discourse has become trapped in the culture war.
“Gentle Parenting” has become a cultural punching bag for the political right portraying it as a form of new-age, progressive therapy. “Gentle Parents” have clapped backed by declaring more traditional methods of non-physical punishment as psychologically damaging and emotionally alienating to children.
Like most culture war ping pong matches, this is a fundamentally false dichotomy.
There are some fantastic gentle parenting techniques. My wife and I pretty much exclusively use “gentle” tactics when dealing with our kids’ various states of emotional dysregulation.
And.
Consequences are critical to building a healthy family culture. When Dr. Becky stigmatizes consequences, she is doing parents a profound disservice. (Also worth noting: she clearly advocates for the use consequences whenever she talks about enforcing boundaries, she just avoids using the word).
When it comes to consequences, the details matter –– that’s what today’s disagreement is all about.
We really want to hear your thoughts, so let us know what you think in the comments.
Hope you enjoy,
Alex and Team TD
P.S. If you haven’t listened yet, the full Gentle Parenting episode is available on video.
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